I Love You I Like You I Hate You I Want You Flat 29, it smells like shit The bin's overflowing and the living room's a tip Grease and mould and general scum We needed a cleaner so we called Dan's mum She's a criminal! ..when it comes to cleaning Not even Mr Muscle got the surfaces gleaming It was clean for about 2 days But then we all got takeaways! The hoover's shit, the cooker is a cunt It annoys me as much as James Blunt I cooked waffles on medium heat They tasted really nice, but it took a fucking week The TV only works when you're looking away And the heating goes bezerk in the month of May But I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be 'cos Flat 29 is the flat for me! I think that I am scarred for life 'cos I live in Flat 29 I'm at serious risk From all sorts of tropical diseases I think that I am scarred for life 'cos I live in Flat 29 But I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be 'cos Flat 29 is the flat for me! Flat 29, the furniture's wank The water is irratic, we haven't got a tank The light in the kitchen hasn't worked for ages And the housing association involved haven't been at all helpful. Its criminal! We're living on the edge We ignore the quota of 5 daily fruit and veg The fridge temperature leaves a lot to be desired And the guy who showed us round this flat should definitely be fired When I first saw the flat it was a dream come true But the building work is shoddy, they probably used glue From a Pritt Stick, or maybe P.V.A. The rate this place is going it'll fall down one day And don't get me started on the washing facilities I scowered the globe for enough 20ps! But I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be 'cos Flat 29 is the flat for me! I think that I am scarred for life 'cos I live in Flat 29 I'm at serious risk From all sorts of tropical diseases I think that I am scarred for life 'cos I live in Flat 29 But I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be 'cos Flat 29 is the flat for me! Dear Flat 29, It has been brought to my attention that your kitchen is in a deplorable state, and constitutes a health hazzard. If you fail to clean the kitchen we will have no option but to instruct industrial cleaners to enter the building and destroy you.. (But I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be 'cos Flat 29 is the flat for me!) Should this service be required, you will all incur a charge. This charge will be deducted from your security deposit. By the way, it is illegal to watch television in Flat 29. Yours sincerely, Tupac Amaru Shakur (But I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be 'cos Flat 29 is the flat for me!) I think that I am scarred for life 'cos I live in Flat 29 I'm at serious risk From all sorts of tropical diseases I think that I am scarred for life 'cos I live in Flat 29 But I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be 'cos Flat 29 is the flat for me! I think that I am scarred for life 'cos I live in Flat 29 I'm at serious risk From all sorts of tropical diseases I think that I am scarred for life 'cos I live in Flat 29 But I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be 'cos Flat 29 is the flat for me!

My mother reckon's I've got potential Gonna show Simon Cowell my credentials I could have been on X-Factor But they didn't come to Dorchester Oh well Thought that I should record a demo So I got myself a sound engineer I didn't like the guitar's tone And I couldn't keep up with the metronome Oh well My first album was a hit My second album was a flop But hey, that's pop I got spotted by a record label Because they really liked my banging tunes I got an advance of 30 quid But in 2 days I had spent it Oh well Well fame has become second nature I got asked to go on T4 I played a song for Vernon Kaye But he didn't like it so I ran away Oh well My first album was a hit My second album was a flop But hey, that's pop I got so attached to fame and fortune That I forgot about my dear old mum I just got so carried away That I missed the day she passed away Oh well Oh well

There's a bag, on the line Over there, I don't care It's not mine But it's there, all the time How did it get Stuck up there? Noone knows and noone cares But it's there, all the time And it flutters in the breeze It's distressing me I hope its biodegradable It's stuck up on that cable it's a bag (it's a bag) it's a bag (it's a bag) There's a bird, in the bag On the line Gotta laugh, gotta cry 'cos the bird's, gonna die 'cos the bird's in distress Got itself in a mess I will watch, as it dies Wipe those tears from my eyes And it flutters in the breeze It's distressing me I hope its biodegradable It's stuck up on that cable it's a bag (it's a bag) it's a bag (it's a bag) I hope its biodegradable It's stuck up on that cable it's a bag (it's a bag) it's a bag (it's a bag) And it flutters in the breeze It's distressing me I hope its biodegradable It's stuck up on that cable it's a bag (it's a bag) it's a bag (it's a bag) I hope its biodegradable It's stuck up on that cable it's a bag (it's a bag) it's a bag (it's a bag) (repeat to fade)

We are the boys from Flat 29 And it's getting kind close to Christmas time We gather up the snowflakes to make some balls We'll probably get frostbite but we don't care at all So we mingle round the fire to toast our nuts Better get marshmallows in before Echo* shuts We pray to Santa that nothing goes wrong And we celebrate the season with a holiday song, it goes It's Christmas time, we all feel fine And we know everything's groovy It's Christmas time in Flat 29 It's Christmas time, in Flat 29 It's Christmas time, in Flat 29 So we open up our presents, and what a surprise All we've ever wanted there before our eyes Charlie got a puppy, he said "this is gay"** I got a puppy last year had to throw it away Dan he got a teatowel from Mr Scruff*** Rich he got a Quail's egg, he can't get enough**** Lisa got a garlic bread from Shiraz***** And Bryan got a male stripper, he was glad, he sang It's Christmas time, we all feel fine And we know everything's groovy It's Christmas time in Flat 29 We're feeling fine, let's drink mulled wine We're feeling fine, in Flat 29 The night draws in, we look at the stars We wonder if Rudolph comes from Mars We ponder on the explanation What's the secret of his aviation? Maybe it's wings or a magic hat I wish that I could fly like that Soaring gently through the air So much to see and do up there Relieve myself on a fluffy white cloud (Do it twice and make us proud!) Maybe i'll make some yellow snow? My chemistry's bad so I don't really know Anyway, I'd better get back to the flat I've gotta pull a cracker for my Christmas hat Far off in the distance sleigh bells ring We're Flat 29 and we do our thing We sing It's Christmas time, we all feel fine And we know everything's groovy It's Christmas time in Flat 29 All the presents are mine, in Flat 29 I'm gonna build a shrine, to Flat 29 It's Christmas time, we all feel fine And we know everything's groovy It's Christmas time in Flat 29 * "Echo" was a local newsagent ** Charlie got a puppy in the Christmas song from our first album. Also notable is semi-ironic use of the word "gay", which will ensure the song dates badly. *** Dan did actually buy a tea towel from musician and tea aficionado Mr Scruff **** Rich didn't buy a quails egg, this was his first suggestion for a present he could recieve ***** Shiraz was a local pizza place. See "Emergency on Percy Street" from our first album for reference.

I can't believe it, its like a dream Now I can keep my bedroom clean! I can't believe it, its like a dream Now I can keep my bedroom clean! I can't believe it, its like a dream Now I can keep my bedroom clean! I can't believe it, its really swell Now I can end my bedroom hell! I can't believe it, its really ace Now I can clean my living space I can't believe it, its just the best! Now my mum can have a rest

How could this be happening to me? I'm sitting on the sofa and I've got a cup of tea The incessant beeping, it's getting really loud I look out the window, oh god there's a crowd Something must be happening they all look quite excited But Darcy's woken from his coma, I'm not delighted! * This better be important, there's programmes to be misssed Unless this place is burning down I'm gonna be so pissed I guess I'd better go outside and see whats going on It was getting really boring till the firemen came along They had a big red engine and a massive spouting hose The sight of which inspired all the girls to drop their clothes I don't know what it is about those funny little hats All they seem to do is rescue fucking cats They polish up their ladders and their fireman's pole And rescue silly children who have fallen down a hole Oh shit it's the fire alarm But there's no smoke to make me cough Oh shit it's the fire alarm Won't someone turn it off? So we stand around in crowds outside looking for someone to beat And when we find him, we'll smash his face, and we'll kick him in the teeth In case you're wondering who we've hit, I guess I'd better explain It was the guy who said he started this, he'll shoulder all the blame Oh shit it's the fire alarm But there's no smoke to make me cough Oh shit it's the fire alarm Won't someone turn it off? Oh shit it's the fire alarm But there's no smoke to make me cough Oh shit it's the fire alarm Won't someone turn it off? (J.T. Breakdown) ** Oh shit it's the fire alarm But there's no smoke to make me cough Oh shit it's the fire alarm Won't someone turn it off? (repeat to fade) * A reference to popular australian soap "Neighbours" ** J.T. is regular Flat 29 collaborator Jenni Thornton. But in this case she is being a kind of Justin Timberlake character.

I like eating chemicals They taste so good I like eating chemicals Like every young boy should I put them on my cereal I put them on my bread If there were no chemicals Well brother, I'd rather be dead I put them on my Kit Kat I put them on my Twix I put them on my Yorkie Wo-oah what a brilliant mix They are so good for me Despite the fact they lower my life expectancy They are so tasty Won't someone come and make me some chemical gra-a-vy (gra-a-vy?) Yeah! I like eating chemicals So does my mum She likes eating chemicals Because they keep her young My friends they don't respect me They really don't get it They don't respect the fact that I like To pump my body full of shit Its really dragging me down I used to be healthy, but now I'm a clown All this extra weight I'm never going to find myself, my perfect date (Perfect date?) Yeah! I like eating chemicals They fill my life with glee I like eating chemicals As they eat away at me

Milk and cheese, milk and cheese They go together like you and me You and me, you and me yeah Just the other day I went to make a cup of tea A very simple process, should be easy as can be It was going fine, I put the kettle on I was feeling pretty good, what could possibly go wrong? But something unexpected was about to occur I opened up the fridge and everything started to blur Charlie! (What Dan?) You've gotta come and help I've just looked in the fridge, and there's nothing on the shelves! What, no butter, no cake or no eggs? Worst of all there's no milk, i'm trying to make a beverage Dan don't worry, we're going to have to hurry But we can get to Tesco, get your shoes, let's go! No there's no time, I think I'm going to cry ('till something at the back of the fridge caught his eye) Hang on, what's this? A pot of cream cheese? I wonder what would happen if I put this in my tea? Dan, what are you doing? Thats going to be disgusting No its fine Charlie, look its milk and cheese, just think about it milk and cheese - they're all dairy products No that can't be right Its just maths, its maths Milk and cheese, milk and cheese They go together like you and me Milk and cheese, milk and cheese They go together like you and me Sandwiches are great, in all shapes and sizes the variable fillings create fun surprises But there are simple guidelines you have to adhere to Like sweet and savory don't mix But it's clear to me That these regulations hamper creativity Inevitably I'll be doing things quite differently Just the other day, I found another way To exploit the similarities between milk and cheese So I put it on my bread I'd just run out of salad so i used JAM instead (That's crazy) but I'm too lazy to get to the shop But hang on if you stop And consider the science, there's ideas we can take From the humble beverage known as the strawberry milkshake You got your dairy product, and then you make it fruity Check out my sandwich (wow, what a beauty) Wow Dan, that's an excellent sandwich Thanks conscience, but do you really think it was the right thing to do? Just follow your heart Dan, you'll go far Milk and cheese, milk and cheese They go together like you and me Milk and cheese, milk and cheese They go together like you and me I love my milk I love my cheese I just, I love everything that's creamy I don't care, I don't care if its pasturised If its semi skimmed If its skimmed I love my cheese It's so creamy, it's so creamy And so soft

Can you tell me, can you tell me What the pop singers are doing? They are shouting, they are shouting So I will Soak it in glitter! Calm down guys, you've gone too far There's children around and their lives will be scarred Stop saying fuck, bugger and cunt Try soaking it in glitter for once Soak it in glitter x4 Please don't feel bitter Just soak it in glitter Yeah you know, glitter From a shop How would you like it? How would you like it? If i said that your mum Was a cunt How would you like it? How would you like it? If i said that your mum Was a fucker Soak it in glitter x4 Please don't feel bitter Just soak it in glitter Yeah you know, glitter Art Attack, Neil Buchannon? In some religions, swearing is frowned upon Like killing a man with a knife or a gun Calm it down, you're so obscene How hard can it be to keep your mouth clean? The kids are listening with their impressionable minds If this language continues, I think that you'll find They'll start saying fuck, bugger and cunt Try soaking it in glitter for once Soak it in glitter x4 Please don't feel bitter Just soak it in glitter Yeah you know, glitter Gary? Pedophile? And noone seems to understand We've got the children's lives, right in our hands I tried to convince them God I tried, I tried But all they could say, was this obscenity So-Soak it in glitter x4 Please don't feel bitter bitter bitter Just soak it in glitter glitter glitter Just soak it in glitter Just soak it in glitter (Fucking Mark)

Something died inside of me The moment you walked out that door You said that it wasn't me But I've heard it all before You broke my heart into several pieces It has no use anymore But in the sky I see a dove of hope So I turn around and pick my broken heart up off the floor. I'm gonna sell it on ebay. Dot co, dot UK I'm gonna sell it on ebay. Dot co, dot UK Girl when you left, I couldn't take it anymore Won't someone buy my broken heart I just want to give it away It's not an ipod And the auction ends in 6 days Check out my positive feedback rating I think you'll find its water tight I'll keep refreshing the page Until someone takes my broken heart tonight I'm gonna sell it on ebay. Dot co, dot UK I'm gonna sell it on ebay. Dot co, dot UK *Guitar solo* I'm gonna sell it on ebay. Dot co, dot UK I'm gonna sell it on ebay. Dot co, dot UK I'm gonna sell it on ebay. Dot co, dot UK I'm gonna sell it on ebay. Dot co, dot UK (repeat to fade)