Secret Handshake

by Flat 29

Secret Handshake Cover Art
  00:00 / 00:00

  • Digital Album

    Immediate download of 19-track album in your choice of MP3 320, FLAC, or just about any other format you could possibly desire.

    ****************
    FLAT 29's THIRD FULL ALBUM "SECRET HANDSHAKE"
    FEATURES 15 FULL TRACKS AND HIDDEN BONUS MATERIAL, SEE BELOW TRACKLISTING FOR DETAILS
    ****************
    All money spent in the Flat 29 CD shop (aside from a few admin fees) goes directly to Flat 29, which they use to help support their music and their podcast. Perhaps one day they will even break even? You can help this dream become a reality!

    Buy Now  ₤7.99 GBP  or more

  • Share / Embed
1.
02:58
lyrics
download
2.
02:49
lyrics
download
3.
03:01
lyrics
download
4.
02:23
lyrics
download
5.
00:30
lyrics
download
6.
03:07
lyrics
download
7.
03:50
lyrics
download
8.
04:44
lyrics
download
9.
03:36
lyrics
download
10.
02:51
lyrics
download
11.
02:45
lyrics
download
12.
03:33
lyrics
download
13.
00:32
lyrics
download
14.
03:40
lyrics
download
15.
03:32
lyrics
download
16.
03:36
lyrics
download
17.
03:52
lyrics
download

about

Comedy musicians Flat 29 present their third album, "Secret Handshake" - a collection of silly, beautiful, sexy, funky, and/or informative songs about the world around us. Issues covered through the medium of song include:

* How can you tell if an old lady used to be attractive?
* Is it acceptable to marry into someone's family for the purposes of spying?
* Can you teach a new born baby how to play bass guitar?
* How do men make friends with other men?
* How do I deal with an existential crisis when out jogging?
* What is puberty, and how can I avoid it?
* How can I get my local lollypop lady to respect me?

Also features a selection of exciting bonus material, including:

* Flat 29's Big Book of Everything Chapter 39 - Albums (Available exclusively when you buy Secret Handshake!)
* 30 mins of production and music videos
* A full "directors" commentary of us talking all over the album
* Songbook with all lyrics and chords
* Individual artwork for each track

credits

released 25 January 2012
All tracks written and performed by Dan P, Charlie Mosesson, and Rich Green.
Recorded in Flat 29's respective home studios in Witney, Radstock, Bristol, Oxford, Cardiff, Mendip Vale Studios, Silicon Valley, and Chateau Mo.

Also featuring Emily Davis (1, 8, 10, 15), Hannah Varley (11), Sara Davis (8, 12), Tristan Pate (14), Hannah Rei (14), the great Luke Ski (1), Lauren Morgan (3), Chris Mezzolesta (9), Rob Parry (8), Rohan Parry (8).

Produced and mixed by Flat 29.

Mastered by Graeme Allen at Amati Studios.

Cover artwork by Dan P.
"Handshake" image courtesy of Aidan Jones (www.flickr.com/photos/aidan_jones)
Track artwork by Verity Raphael.

tags

tags: comedy comedy humour United Kingdom

license

feeds

Feeds for this album, this artist

contact / help

For help with downloads, click here.

For all other inquiries, click here.

Track Name: You're An Old Lady (Who Used To Be Hot)
Marjorie, I get a funny feeling when you look at me,
Baby, I can’t see what’s going on.
Marjorie, why do you make me feel so tingly,
You might be 83 but why doesn’t it seem wrong?

‘Cause when I saw you at the Post Office late last week
I was standing behind you and you smelled so sweet
Like potpourri or lavender Glade Plug-In
There’s something about you girl, got me wondering
What is wrong with me I’m no Gerontophile
But when I see you looking back at me I’ve got to smile
The only conclusion that I’ve got
Is that you’re an old lady who used to be hot.

What secrets lie behind those eyes?
50 years ago you had your pick of all the guys.

Marjorie, I get a funny feeling when you look at me,
Baby, I can’t see what’s going on.
I’m going to go back in time and make you mine
Marjorie, why do you make me feel so tingly,
You might be 83 but why doesn’t it seem wrong?

Because I don’t know why that every time I see you
And my body says yes even though my mind says no
I just can’t stop myself from calling out Bingo!
It’s always a pleasure to witness
All the echoes of your former fitness
And surely it’s about what’s underneath
So I can look past your grey hair and false teeth
Your artificial hip and your dodgy knee
And I can see the smokin’ hottie that you used to be

I bet back in the day you used to stop men in their tracks
But now they’re only stopping to carry some of your shopping
Girl, I want to give you a bit of a stroke
But I can’t in case I literally give you a stroke
And let me get it straight I’m not weird or crazy
I wouldn’t look twice at most old ladies
There’s something that they’re lacking
But it’s something that you’ve got
‘Cause you’re an old lady who used to be hot

Marjorie, your beauty peaked too soon
Back when you where in your prime my Mum was in the womb

Marjorie, I get a funny feeling when you look at me,
Baby, I can’t see what’s going on.
I’m going to go back in time and make you mine
Marjorie, why do you make me feel so tingly,
You might be 83 but why doesn’t it seem wrong?

Well Marjorie, I think we could have been the perfect couple,
But when you were my age I was minus 59 and it just never would have worked out
Still, how about next Wednesday, I come ‘round yours, we’ll play a bit of Bridge, maybe watch Columbo and we’ll take it from there.
Track Name: Factually Accurate Love Song
Girl your eyes shine like the moon
Well like two moons specifically, positioned unnaturally close together, but without the
gravitational and tidal problems that would occur if this was not a simile.
And similarly your hair flows like a waterfall
Like a waterfall that’s made of hair, descending a cliff that looks just like your face.

She knows that I’m no good with metaphor, but that’s not what I met her for at all.

Girl your eyes are as deep as any ocean
E.g. the Atlantic, and I don’t want to be pedantic, but I can’t stop imagining the terrible problems that would occur if this was not a simile.
Similarly, your body’s like an hourglass
But that would be more accurate if you had been eating lots of sand.
She knows that I’m no good with metaphor, but that’s not what I met her for at all.

So I wish that I could write you poetry,
I wish that I could tell you you mean everything to me.
I’ve been trying for so long, but it always turns out wrong,
So I’ve made this not very poetic, but factually accurate song.

It’s an accurate song
It’s been proof-read, it’s an accurate song

Girl, you’re so intelligent, your mind is like a library
But without the oppressive noise restrictions or the complicated administrative procedures that would occur if your head was a library.
So liberally I’ll shower you in compliments
But cross-reference the facts for me to verify their accuracy.
She knows that I’m no good with metaphor, but that’s not what I met her for at all.

So I wish that I could write you poetry,
I wish that I could tell you you mean everything to me.
I’ve been trying for so long, but it always turns out wrong,
So I’ve made this not very poetic, but factually accurate song

I’ve taken views for and against
And peer-reviewed my evidence
And all that I can see is I was made for you
And you were made for me
Track Name: Puberty
Puberty affects us in lots of different ways
Your reproductive organs will soon begin to change
But there’s no need to worry, ‘cause everyone’s the same
And soon you will be able to enjoy a sexy game

Oh Puberty, what will you do to me?
I feel confused and I am all spotty
Oh Puberty, I feel all sexy, and it’s all new to me,
And I’m confused.

Boys have a high voice, then it will go low
Their balls will go a similar way and hair begins to grow
They’ll start to get a feeling down in their pants
And look at naked women whenever they get the chance.

Oh Puberty, what will you do to me?
I feel confused and I am all spotty
Oh Puberty, I feel all sexy, and it’s all new to me,
And I’m confused.

Girls get a rough deal every once a month,
They have a leaky discharge and it comes out of their special place
They’ll start to grow some breasts and have feelings towards men
And potentially have a baby if they don’t use protection.

Oh Puberty, what will you do to me?
I feel confused and I am all spotty
Oh Puberty, I feel all sexy, and it’s all new to me,
And I’m confused.

Your genitals are changing and you don’t know what it means,

But don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, You just gotta keep them clean

‘Cause Puberty affects us in lots of different ways
It really doesn’t matter if your balls look kinda strange
But there’s no need to worry ‘cause everyone’s the same
If you really think about it then your parents are to blame

Oh Puberty, what will you do to me?
I feel confused and I am all spotty
Oh Puberty, I feel all sexy, and it’s all new to me,
And I’m confused.
Pubescent Ladies:
Oh Puberty, what will you do to me?
I feel confused and I am all spotty
Oh Puberty, I feel all sexy, and it’s all new to me,
And I’m confused.
Pubescent Fellas:
Oh Puberty, what will you do to me?
I feel confused and I am all spotty
Oh Puberty, I feel all sexy, and it’s all new to me,
And I’m confused.
I’m confused
Track Name: An Xbox Live Romance
When I first spoke to you back on ‘Call of Duty 2’
You topped the leader board of everything that I adored
Your skills surpassed the rest, accepted my friend request
Now everyday you talk to me while playing ‘Modern Warfare 3’

You might live on the other side of the world to me
But when you spoke to me, you always felt so close to me
Thousands of miles across the land and sea
It didn’t seem so far, staring at your avatar.

Girl won’t you join my X-Box Live party?
Just you and me and no one else will do
Stay together forever in our X-Box Live party
Feel so alive when I’m in party chat with you.

Our story’s like a Fable 2, I can see your Halo through the night
While you are in my head, ‘cause without you I’m Left 4 Dead
Gears Of Your heart move with mine, I Burnout when you’re not online
Dead or Alive, I’ll stay true and won’t Fallout of love with you

I’d do anything to make you mine
Wish we could talk all night; I’d kiss you through my headset mic.
Girl, you are my Phantasy Star Online
You make my heart explode; let’s live our lives in co-op mode.

Girl won’t you join my X-Box Live party?
‘Cause you and I should never be apart
Stay together forever in our X-Box Live party
You’ve unlocked an achievement – My heart.
Track Name: Internet Interlude
My Dad's always on the internet
He goes online, all the time
My Dad's always on the internet
It's taking over his life

Oh Daddy won't you talk to me?
Sorry son, I'm just doing a tweet
Seems like I only speak to you on Twitter Dad
@mydad, do you remember me (hashtag)?

My Dad's always on the internet
It's taking over his life
Track Name: Menfriends
Today I must make it my mission to find one or more friends!
I’ve got a plan, here comes Dan, he’s a man.

Excuse me Dan, would you like to be my friend,
I can’t help noticing we’re both men.
I’ve got a spare ticket to a Rock n’ Roll show,
Would you like to go?
Hmm, let me have a think; that sounds great!
I’ve just made a quick assessment of your character traits
You have a beard,
And you’re wearing a tie,
There’s really no reason why we can’t be

Menfriends… We could be Menfriends.

Excuse me Gents, you look like you’re having fun!
My name’s Charlie, and this is my chum. Hi!
We were just having a stimulating chat,
I want to get in on that.
You see I’ve got these tickets to a Rock n’ Roll show,
Hmm, that’s funny ‘cause we were gonna go.
You Guys sound like you have a great rapport,
Do you have room for one more? Sure!

Menfriends… We could be Menfriends

I’ve heard that band plays a really cracking set,
They suspend things from the ceiling and they come in on a jet
Did you pick up their latest CD?
Nowadays I only buy MP3’s
Well this is working out great I think, let’s go to a bar and have too much to drink
We’ll talk about ladies and have a little fight and it will be a manly night,

Now that we’re Menfriends

‘Cause we friends are the best of friends
1 friend, 2 friend, 3 menfriends
Friends who are friends to the bitter end
Just 3 friends who are friends

Because we’re going to have the manliest times in the manliest places
See the manliest faces, that’s probably our faces.
Sitting at the bar wearing men’s cologne,
We’ll be smelling like pure testosterone
I’m having Dr Pepper ‘cause I’ve gotta drive home,
And I’m showing Rich my new ringtone.
I’m spending all my money on the quiz machine,
We’re 3 menfriends and we’re living the dream!

We’re not just menfriends, oh no
We’re bloody good menfriends, oh yeah, yeah
‘Cause I’m a friend to you, and you’re a friend to me
You’re my friend and so is he
Yesterday we didn’t know each other,
But now we’re like friendly brothers.
Men
Track Name: Spying (On A Woman From Waitrose)
Subject has been sighted at the Waitrose checkout buying some fresh rigatoni.
I wish I was toni.

I saw a beautiful girl in Waitrose,
Standing next to me in the queue,
She was buying a bag of mixed lettuce leaves,
And she smelled of sweet perfume.
She left behind her Waitrose loyalty card,
I thought it must be a sign,
So I followed her all the way back to her home,
I watched her get undressed until she closed the blind.

I’m gonna spy on you,
I’m gonna invade your privacy;
I’ll take a picture of you when you’re on the loo,
Put cameras in your room and watch you on TV.
And then I’ll raid your bins,
I’ll steal your identity,
Withdraw all your funds, have dinner with your mum,
‘Cause I’m lonely,
And I’m a bit of a freak

I spy on you on the bus,
I spy on you on the train,
I spy on you in the day, I spy on you in the night;
Sometimes I infringe on your human rights
By taking samples of your DNA
From discarded cigarettes and pizza trays,
I think I’ll build a clone
So I won’t be alone
And then I’ll spy on the clone at home all day.

I’m gonna spy on you,
I’m gonna invade your privacy;
I’ll do sketch of you, which i can spy on too,
‘Cause when you’re on A4 I only want you more.
And then I’ll colour you in,
And make some photocopies,
And then I'll hang them all
Upon my gallery wall,
‘Cause I'm arty,
And I’m also of spy

People say Rich, why oh why
Did you become a secret spy?
I said I watched a film that involved a spy
And ever since that day I’ve acted like a spy.
But spying has changed with the passage of time
A wannabe spy can just go online
And get their information with the click of the mouse,
While I’m doing a sketch outside your house

I’m gonna spy on you,
I’m gonna invade your privacy;
I’m gonna marry your son, so you will be my mum
And then I’ll spy on you when i come round for tea.
Then I’ll enchant your dad
With a whimsical story,
I’ll integrate myself into your family life
‘Cause I’m charming,
And I’m a bloody good spy

He's a bloody good spy
And he's a bloody great guy.
Why oh why is he such a bloody good spy?
Yeah, I’ll never share my secrets,
I’ll never share them with you,
Even if you want me to.
Track Name: Teach Your Baby Bass Guitar
Come on, one more push! Congratulations! It’s a boy!
Congratulations!
Excuse me, Sir, but this is for close family only.
Who’s that guy?

Well excuse me Miss, I’m sorry to interrupt the proceedings,
Hope me butting in don’t hurt your feelings.
Who are you?
But I was just sitting there totally bored,
Chilling out near the maternity ward,
‘Cause that’s where I like to hang in the evenings.
What are you doing here?
When I heard that music, coming from the delivery room
That funky music, coming straight out of your womb

You’re an intelligent lady, I know you are
You want your baby to go far,
Lady I can make that kid a star,
I’m gonna teach that baby bass guitar.
That baby that you just made,
Got the skills to go all the way,
You’lla given birth to a superstar,
When I teach that baby bass guitar

Right, get that man out of here! I’ve just given birth, I’m very emotional.

Now I realise that’s a lot to take in,
When you’ve literally just given birth to him,
But that’s ok; I don’t want to take him away,
Just want to sit that baby down and hear him play.
Start him off with roots and fifths,
When he’s a couple hours old, he’ll be playing the hits.
Walking bass before he starts walking,
And before he can clap, he’ll be playing slap,
Gonna put your baby on the map.
He’s gonna be a star when he’s had a little nap.
I know he’s got rhythm to kick a bass line,
Even though he’s currently covered in slime.
So clean him up a bit and put him in a suit,
To show he’s got style and it’ll look cute.
And give him a bass and he’ll rock the whole ward
So hurry up and cut the umbilical cord.

You don’t get to do that, put those scissors down!
Yeah, ok.

You’re an intelligent lady, I know you are
You want your baby to go far,
Lady I can make that kid a star,
I’m gonna teach that baby bass guitar.
That baby that you just made,
Got the skills to go all the way,
You’lla given birth to a superstar,
When I teach that baby bass guitar

Security! There’s a man here with a bass guitar, please escort him out.

Lady, I’m sorry to get up in your face,
All I really want to do is teach your kid bass.
I know it might seem a bit inopportune
But if your son’s gonna be a bass player, we got no time to lose.
‘Cause these first few days are so important to his development,
It’s the perfect time to make him take up an instrument.
Is he going to play the oboe? No.
Or will be play the piano? No, I don’t think so.
We got no time to waste, just give that baby a bass.

Wait, I think he’s trying to say something.
Actually, I think he’s trying to play something.
That’s amazing!
Wow!
How is he doing this?
I’ve never seen anything like that.
Wow!
Well, that’s… wow.
He’s a genius!
That’s fantastic!
That’s funky!
Well slap me on the arse and make me cry!
That’s amazing!

You’re an intelligent lady, I know you are
You want your baby to go far,
Lady I can make that kid a star,
I’m wanna teach that baby bass guitar.
That baby that you just made,
Got the skills to go all the way,
You’lla given birth to a superstar,
I wanna teach that baby bass guitar
You’re an intelligent lady, I know you are
You want your baby to go far,
Lady I can make that kid a star,
I’m wanna teach that baby bass guitar.
That baby that you just made,
Got the skills to go all the way,
You’lla given birth to a superstar,
I wanna teach that baby bass guitar

Congratulations, your new-born son is an accomplished bass player! He’s already at Level 42 at slapping and popping.
Sir, I don’t know who you are, but thank you!
Doctor, we’ve got another baby coming in Ward 29
Sounds like I’m needed elsewhere, I’ll see you later.
Wow, What a guy
Track Name: Dutiful Ladies
This one goes out to all the ladies working hard for a living,
All the ladies heavily involved in some kind of hobby or evening class,
We were wondering if you could fit us into your busy schedules?
‘Cause we love you dutiful ladies, this one’s for you.

I met my dream girl working at the bakery,
Whenever she was on the till I’d stop and buy a cake or three,
What did she make of me? I had to wait and see,
‘Cause this girl was committed to the art of serving cake and tea.
I wrote my number on a slice of flan,
And inquired whether she’d like to share a gingerbread man.
She said ‘I’d really love to but I gotta clean the grill,
And disinfect the surfaces and then cash up the till,
And you don’t want to be with a pastry chef,
The late nights at the patisserie while you’re at home missing me’.
With all of our duties, we’d never be suitable,
The love of my life was just much too dutiful.

And girl, you must be the most dutiful girl I’ve ever seen, it’s indisputable.
When we make love it’s beautiful, but you never stick around
‘Cause you’re just too dutiful

When I saw my dream girl, she stopped me in my tracks.
Her skill with a lollipop showed me she had the knack
Of keeping children safe from all the lorries and cars.
I said, ‘Do you want to take a ride with me?’, she said she had to guard.
I kept on and she went out with me,
We’d make love every day until a quarter past three.
When she’d lose her desire, throw our passions aside,
Put on her uniform, onto the crossing she’d stride.
Despite my best protests and my sexiest moves,
She stuck strongly to her duty to make safety improve.
I said ‘Can I join you? Might we save lives together?’
She just turned up her collar to protect her from the weather.

‘Cause this one goes out to all the girls,
Doing your duties all around the world,
And dutiful girls are so fine to us,
We were wondering if you could spend time with us.

My lady’s into crosswords and Sudoku-X,
She’s always doing word searches when we’re having sex.
I always try my very best, but it’s hard to please her,
The problem is she’s just a sucker for a brain teaser.
She’s so obsessed; she treats it like a career,
She wins £100 in book tokens every year.
I took her for a meal and she brought her Gran,
But they insisted on playing multiple games of Hangman,
And that’s when I knew things had to stop,
She was obsessed with puzzle-games, so I gave her the chop.
I must admit her intelligence was irrefutable,
The problem was the girl was just too dutiful.

With so many ladies and so many careers,
So many relationships have ended in tears,
‘Cause Dutiful Ladies never have the time,
To schedule in a little bit of Flat 29.

Damn Girl! You’re looking Dutiful tonight.
How ‘bout me and you go grab dinner?
Nope? Well, Thursday? Oh, you’re working late Thursday.
Errr… how about a week Monday? Pottery class?
Umm, well, what you doing in late July?
That sounds important, could you pencil me in toward the beginning of next year?
How ‘bout I call your P.A?….
Track Name: Best Job Ever
Monday morning and I wake up at 5am,
Can’t wait to get dressed and go to work with my friends.
Eat breakfast, get my wife to help me put on a shirt,
Then I’m cruising in my car, I can’t wait to get to work
‘Cause all of my colleagues are the coolest guys,
Sit in ergonomic chairs in their suits and ties.
If working in the morning makes us feel sad,
We’ll just make a Power Point of all the fun we’re gonna have!

Yeah, yeah, yeah
A chequerboard transition.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Embedded video.
Yeah, yeah yeah
We’ll make it stand out,
And I’ll print you off some hand-outs.

By Monday lunch I know this week is gonna be the best,
I’m eating Pret-A-Manger sandwiches at my desk.
Chicken, Avocado and a touch of lime,
And all the while I’m flicking though the Financial Times.
I know this afternoon is going well,
When my Boss tells me it’s time to fire up Excel,
And calculate the profit margins since last August,
If my job equals brilliant, then let’s all sing the chorus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Conditional Formatting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Adding in some Word-Art.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
And when it’s finished,
I will print you off a 3D pie-chart.

Compound IF statement breakdown!
IF – I’ve gotta lot of docs that need editing,
AND – It’s 5, but I haven’t done everything.
THEN – I’m staying back to get the job done,
OR – My Boss might tell my Mum.

IF – I’ve had the best day ever,
AND – I get a lift with my mate Trevor
THEN - Head back to his with some guys
We’ll keep working ‘til sunrise!

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Dan, I’m going to need those reports now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, OK. Just after this synth solo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I’m gonna send that fax by Value Added Tax,
And then I’ll email Jeff, attach a PDF.
I’ll take a conference call from here to Montreal,
Finally home by 10 and tomorrow I’ll do it again.

So, do you have those reports?
Umm, Yeah, I haven’t done them.
Brilliant
Track Name: King Of The Internet
I’ve got contacts with my ISP
So I can get fast broadband for free;
I got download speeds of 30Mb,
I got upload speeds that violate your rights.
I got Wifi, I got 3g,
Seems like every motherfucker wanna be me.
You want cable? You know I'm able,
‘Cause I’m the king of the net, with a connection so stable.

Got me Googling my own name,
Seeing all the Rich Green's with a claim to fame
An architect a lawyer and a deep sea diver,
A porn star, a poet and a rare type of spider.
Checking my emails, got loads of spam;
I send my bank details to an illiterate man.
Plenty of offers to enlarge my member,
I'll be hung like a donkey come September.

Internet, I got the Internet,
Everybody look, I got the Internet.
I got the Internet, I got the Internet,
Everybody look, I got the Internet.

Playing FIFA online on the PS3
When some cheeky motherfucker disconnects on me.
I was 2-0 up with minutes to go,
Another 6yr old kid interrupting my flow.
I’m gonna find that kid's IP address,
And show that kid that I’m the best.
We'll play a game of FIFA in the flesh
And when I finish with him his face will be a mess

I'll victimise him using social networking sites,
I'll make him feel so scared he can't sleep at night
And when he's outside, having fun
I'll be inside having fun with his Mum

So think twice before you disconnect on me
Because I'll start to behave irrationally.
Above anything else, make sure you don’t forget
That I am the king of the internet

I got the Internet, I got the Internet,
Everybody look, I got the Internet.
I got the Internet, I got the Internet
Everybody look, I got the Internet.
Track Name: DIY Lovin' (Put Up A Shelf)
Rich Green
And Me the Rapper
24th January 1995
Check the Calendar, what’s the weather out there
It’s quite cold outside but it’s warm here in the studio.
It’s pretty warm.

I first saw you when you were in B&Q
(Alright Rich, then what did you do?)
You were buying some Rawl plugs and some picture hooks too.
(Picture hooks! Getting steamy)
I only went to get a Black & Decker drill,
(Power tools kinda look like a penis)
I didn’t expect to get such a thrill.
(He got a thrill, Man, he only came here for a drill)

Girl, your hair is like a Dulux paint colour chart,
Yeah, you are the spirit level to my shelf at perfect right-angles.

Searching for hotties down at B&Q and that’s where I met you,
I said why you over there doing DIY? You should be over here doing Me IY

I talked to you and asked you out on a date,
(Picking up a hottie with a Black & Decker workmate)
You said ‘pick me up at my workshop at quarter to 8’.
(And don’t be late)
When I arrived, you were wearing nothing but your tool belt,
(Girl be looking sexy, and very practical)
And we made love on the cement mixer and I felt things I’d never felt

Girl, your hair is like a Dulux paint colour chart,
Yeah, you are the spirit level to my shelf at perfect right-angles.

Hey Girl, how’s it going?
Can you lend me a hand? ‘Cause my pipes need plumbing (if you know what I mean?).
Do you mean your penis?
No actually, it’s just my guttering. It’s a mess up there.
But if you lend me a hand, then maybe later,

We can have a little fun, because we got a lot done
But just remember the Number 1 rule; a good workman never blames his tools
I keep them tidy, I keep them clean,
Girl, I’m a well oiled machine!
This time do you mean your penis?
Yes, this time I do

Girl, your hair is like a Dulux paint colour chart,
Yeah, you are the spirit level to my shelf at perfect right-angles.

Hey girl, let’s screw
I’m gonna nail you.
Can you feel my tape measure?
Because it’s getting longer and longer.
Yes my spanner is fully adjustable,
And you can have a go on my power tool.
Ooh, I’m gonna put up a shelf,
Because DIY means do it yourself.
Track Name: Orange Juice Interlude
Orange Juice from concentrate
You are my best mate
Orange Juice from concentrate
Won't you concentrate on me?
Track Name: Midnight Monsters
DAD: Goodnight little Johnny, it’s time to rest your head.
The sun is set, the moon is full and you’re tucked up in bed.
DAD AND MUM: There’s no need to worry, you’re safe and warm, alright,
I’ve checked it’s clear, allay your fears, you’re monster free tonight.
Goodnight Johnny, sweet dreams.

ANDREW: Right Monsters, I’ll start us off with a bit of existential terror,
Simon, are you prepared to do a rap?
SIMON: I think so!
IAN: What do I do?
ANDREW: Well Ian, as it’s your first day just jump in when you feel ready.

ANDREW: We are the monsters who live under your bed,
I hate to break it to you Johnny but one day you’ll be dead.
It might not be today, but you’re time will come ‘round,
You’ve got a one way ticket from the womb to the ground.
You may think that you’re loved but they’ll dump you in the gutter,
You won’t believe your fate
IAN: I can’t believe it’s not butter.
I’m gonna tuck you in and then I’ll give you a kiss,
ANDREW: Come on now Ian, I thought we talked about this?

IAN: Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bugs bite.
ANDREW: Ian, mate, you’ve got the wrong idea,
We are the Monsters.
IAN: But it’s my first week I was making some friends,
ANDREW: But we’re supposed to be monsters.

SIMON: I am a Monster and I’ll kick you in the balls,
I’ll undermine you; make you feel 2 feet tall
So fuck your hopes and dreams, I’ll knock your self-esteem,
‘Cause I’m mean. How mean?
I just stole a Baby’s ice-cream! What?
And me and my team are gonna mess with your head,
So tell ‘em Ian
IAN: I just baked you a fresh loaf of bread
And I’ll make you some toast, smothered with butter and jam
SIMON: Ian, you blew it, you fucked this up, man.

IAN: Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bugs bite.
ANDREW: Ian, you’re an embarrassment,
You call yourself a monster?
IAN: I’m trying but I’ve never worked with Children before,
ANDREW: But we’re supposed to be monsters.

*DADs guitar solo*

MUM:Johnny, I hope we’re not keeping you up,
Your dad was just playing his electric guitar.
He’s got a gig at the end of the week,
He’s gonna be a rock n’ roll star

ANDREW: He’s actually pretty good at playing guitar,
He should be in the monsters.
IAN: But hang on a bit
SIMON: No Ian you’re shit!
ANDREW: Dad, you’re an honorary monster.

IAN: Well I think I’d actually make a pretty good Dad,
A dad who’s also a monster.
MONSTERS: I think we’ve broken down the barriers that lie between
Being a dad and a Monster
Yeah
Track Name: Going For A Jog
Hey! You’re looking out of shape, put on a bit of weight on your holiday.
(Eating Ice-cream every day)
There’s no need to get upset, it’s not too late to get to the gym and in no time you’ll be feeling slim.

If you’re feeling unfit, there’s really just one thing for it;
You’ve got to get out your seat, close down your blog,
And go and have a Mother-fucking jog.
Find some unattractive clothes,
Plan a route down country roads,
Get your smelly trainers on your feet,
And get out onto that street.

Going for a run, it might seem boring but it’s quite fun.
Going for a jog to stop being such a lazy slob.

Hey! You’re doing really great; now let’s pick up the pace.

If you’re feeling unfit, there’s really just one thing for it;
You’ve got to get out your seat, close down your blog,
And go and have a Mother-fucking jog.
Find some unattractive clothes,
Plan a route down country roads,
Get your smelly trainers on your feet,
And get out onto that street.

Alright, now that we’ve picked up the pace,
You’ve got to be aware of who’s in your space.
Guy on the right, he’s on a bike,
He’s about to slow down for the red light.
Right, watch out for the lady with the pram,
Jump over the kid and ‘round the old man.
Look out! ‘Cause right in your path,
There’s two guys carrying a big bit of glass.

Going for a run, it might seem boring but it’s quite fun.
Going for a jog to stop being such a lazy slob.

Oh what is it I’m running from?
Is it myself? My insecurities?
Am I running from the past?
Am I running from the future?
Or am I running to fit into some jeans that I bought in 2002?

Going for a run, it might seem boring but it’s quite fun.
Going for a jog to stop being such a lazy slob.
Going for a run, it might seem boring but it’s quite fun.
Going for a jog to stop being such a lazy slob.
Track Name: Rap Guide to the Orchestra
The modern symphony orchestra is one of the great achievements of Western civilisation.
There are 4 main groups of instruments, in this large and still growing family.
First, The Strings:

Viola, double bass, cello or violin, you’ve got to choose one
If you want to get in to the string section.
And if you wanna go, the thing you’ve gotta know
Is you’ve gotta have a bow.
Constructed from the hair of a horse or a man,
Play it as you form notes with your left hand.
But if you’re in a show and you forget your bow,
Fuck it, just pluck it with pizzicato.

Everybody gather ‘round and you’ll soon see
That the orchestra is the place to be.
So grab a double bass and you’ll agree
That together we could write a symphony.

The second section of the orchestra; The Percussion.

If you want to learn an instrument you want to learn it quick,
How about you hit a circle with a big stick?
A Timpani is pretty simple, see?
And you can play the hi-hat if you wanna try that?
Tam-tam, Tom-tom, probably doesn’t take long,
If you get it wrong you can just hit the gong.
You might disagree, but that’s my angle,
And listen to how well I play the triangle.

Check me out! Getting down!
Yes, but I think it’s a bit more complicated than that.
Oh.

Everybody gather ‘round and you’ll soon see
That the orchestra is the place to be.
So kick a bass drum and you’ll agree
That together we could write a symphony.

The third section of the orchestra; The Synthesiser.

You can’t have an orchestra without a synth line,
That’s like eating fish without a glass of white wine.
The first time was Tchaikovsky,
He wrote The Nutcracker on an ARP.
Mozart had the Mini-Moog on every track,
He borrowed it for years ‘til Bach took it back.
Chopin’s Roland made him a star,
And Handel got a handle and he made a keytar!

Everybody gather ‘round and you’ll soon see
That the orchestra is the place to be.
So grab a Mini-Moog and you’ll agree
That together we could write a symphony.

The final section of the orchestra; the Nintendo GameBoy.

1989, Nintendo, Japan, while we were playing Tetris they began
To take classical music in a new direction,
Now every orchestra has an 8-bit section.
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B,A,
We got the cheats for the beats that we play,
And enough batteries to last the whole day.
Let’s tune up our GameBoys and play.

Strings, Percussion, Synth, GameBoy, ready?
We’re gonna put it all together; 1,2,3

Everybody gather ‘round and you’ll soon see
That the orchestra is the place to be.
Grab Mario 2 and you’ll agree
That together we could write a symphony.

Everybody gather ‘round and you’ll soon see
That the orchestra is the place to be.
So come and join in and you’ll agree
That together we could write a symphony.
Track Name: Bye Bye Ladies
Variations on a theme:

Bye bye ladies who....

Repeat ad. infinitum.